Am trying

Yes I am. Am trying. Whenever I feel bad, I just burry maself in work or sch. I work work and work till I try to forget ma other problems. When I forget ma problems, I can fake smile for the world so that no one asks questions. I hate when pple ask me wats wrong coz am a private person. Yeah I know it can help to talk to someone now and then but urrrgh, it's nothing for me.
So even if I feel the way I feel, even if I feel like am letting down maself and the pple I love, I won't show it. I will work work work, til I forget and fake smile coz in the end, that's the process that makes me feel good.
So here I am, studying ma ass off, feeling so bright and smart. Am feeling good, laughing with friends coz at the end of the day, I will lay on ma bed with a huge smile, thinking "yes I can do this."
Am s survivor, we yall are.

Hate decisions

Blaaaa. Feels like life is upside down for moi:(:(. These past days have been hard on me, tough. This is when I really wished I had ma family near me so they could "look after me", comfort me or give me energy. Blaaaaa I hate life sometimes.
So I got an exam next wk on Wednesday and if I fail it, then am the stupidiest creature alive coz I've been studying soooooo hard these past days. Am exhausted but kant sleep, every inch on ma body hurts but can't seem to be able to just sleep and forget all the freakin biochemistry reactions that keep on popping in my head now and then. I just Kant take a break.
I really miss ma Mommi even though she can be mean. I wish she was here to give me a massage, advice, listen to me and tell me wats right or wrong (that if, if I listen). Am so upset about so many things that I Kant seem to think straight. I just wanna be able to have a normal conversation without me getting upset. Gooooosh I hate this, I hate when am like this, I hate when I feel like things I do or own, have no meaning, I hate hate hate when I feel like this, helpless, powerless and kinda stupid. I hate this part right here.



Am out, am off coz am empty

Love land

So am accidentally hangin out with ma babes. Hehehehehe. We were supposed to be apart this wknd but ack, faith brought us together. God is great;);). We watched breaking dawn 2 = shity movie coz I was disappointed.
Anyhu, imma kiss ma babe good nite.

Peace

Not me

am writing this one in Swedish

ouufff, jag känner mig  väldigt konstig. vette fan inte vad det beror på;(. Jag är arg och irriterad men vet inte på vad eller vem. Nej, det är inte den tiden i månaden. Jag är inte mig sjlv helt enkelt,

Den här dagen har varit långtråkig. Var i skolan, labbade, åt, pluggad eoch sen jobbade. Suck vilket tråkigt liv va? jag veeet. Ingen fara, det är värt det i slutändan (sen när jag är färdig utbildad). Ska i alla fall plugga heeela helgen med mina fina vänner. Inget kommer ditsrahera mig för jag har lovat att satsa helhjärtat. Hoppas jag klara det här för jag orkar inte med depression;(

ha det mumsigt allesammans

Late nite

So ma aim is to blog at least once a day. Yeah it's goodie:):). Blaaaaaa, am not feeling well. Got a headache and not feeling maself. Supposed to sleep but I can't. Oh no, I don't wanna coz I have to talk to someone who is busy with other stuff so I gotta wait. Ya ya whatever.
Anyhu, anyone watched Sweden vs England soccer game. Gaaaah gaaaah omg Ibra ca Dabra is the shit (tho I ain't a fan). You say the last goal? It was ka boom boom. Lol am a soccer fan so yall prolly will be reading lots about soccer, esp bout Barcelona. Get used to it.

Anyhu, got a crappy lab tomorrow so am off. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Oooh love love. Now am talking about the real love , sensual love to someone else. Not this love to your family or puppy. Noope I mean this chris Brown Rihanna love (not the beating part). Love makes us go crazy, no it makes me go crazy. I become different in a weird way that I can't put in words. I let go of everything and just live in the "love bubble." Thats good and bad sometimes coz when the love mood is switched on, I can't think clearly, I can't reason, am just in wonderland, dreaming which means that I loose track of reality. Now that happened to me the first months of ma relationship, and then reality caught up with. Now I can't say that hell opened but heaven decreased for sure and ma eyes opened. Someone bust ma bubble and I started seeing the bad side of this creature (as if anyone is perfect).
I started wondering if am in this coz I feel like I HAVE TO be in this ,like I can't get better. Or bse am afraid to be alone, or why the hell am I in this coz ma perfect creature ain't that anymore? Bla bla bla, lots of questions and confusion but I stayed. Why? Curiosity or bse this love disease was catching me.  Now when heaven wasn't that perfect, I decided to make it perfect FOR ME and build up ma big love bubble again. I gave this a shot and yeah, am happy I did coz i decided to see the good, the better, the best in ma lover and I liked what I saw and  experienced. But that didn't mark blind for the bad sides, coz they for sho came up now and then. Ma lover changed and vice versa. Not for ma sake, but for our sake. And every time  I decided to change on something, I made sure it was a good decision, not just for love sake.
Am a better person bse of this 2 yr long relationship. Better, in a way that I love harder, I give all, I trust more, brush off tiny things, appreciate love and give whenever I can. Yes am a better person bse of him coz he is all I want and need right now. He is too perfect that it nags me and I pick up fights from nothing(tear drops);(. And I will try ma best not to. I have to be beta at everything in this relationship coz its healthy to me as vegetables are good to me. Hehehehehe ok, not a good metaphore but u get the point.

I can honestly say that am happy. Not fake, but real happiness. Even behind closed doors, ma happiness is still real WITH HIM.

Stupido

Goooosh am so stupid and inconsiderate. Why do I always hurt the person that adores me the most? Why do I always hurt the person I love and cherish over anything? Fuck. The last time I felt this bad was when I had a huuuuge fight with ma mum. Oh ma gosh. It was big. 2011 in December. Worst Dec ever. I feel so bad, don't what to do. Guess I will just go to bed and repent.am so sorry babe, I really am. Am the worst lover on this planet. Hate talking when am pissed off coz then I always say the truth and yepp, it hurts. Fuck life.

Am off

F R I E N D S

Good mornin. How yall doing this amazin Sunday? Am in bed blogging from ma new Samsung galaxy s3. Whoop whoop. Am really loving it even though I had a rough time navigating around coz am used to iPhone. Wish I could combine the two. Daamn,

Anyhu, am just so tired of some of ma friends. F*#k em. Now these friends of mine are in new relationships, so they ignore me biiiig time but I been playing chill all these months. Got new friends but it still hurts coz was tight with ma buddies that now ignore me.;(. Anyhu, now that theirs lovers are outta town, these suckers be textin me and asking if I can hang out? Hahahahah hell no, I ain't hanging out with no suckers that only remember me when they are alone. Psssst.

This text is to all yall who do that to your friends. I will never ever do that. Not that kind of sucker. Guess I will talking to them at sch and all that but will absolutely not be hanging out. They can forget that.

And no, o haven't confronted them coz they will feel more important than they are. Psssst

Peace

This is me

Am very confused about lots of things in ma life. The major things being sch and ma mum. I somehow don't know what or how to tackle sch. It really is putting a negative effect in happy me. Yeah yes I know that I gotta work hard for what I want to achieve but gosh this seems like very deep water. Wi give it more shots and hope for the best.
Ma mum. She constantly makes me sad and unhappy but then from nowhere, she all is goodie and lovey watever towards me. I always fall it coz I keep telling maself 'may be she is changing this time around.' Suck I hate when she plays with ma mind.
Anyhu, something am really rely proud of is ma boo thang. Atleast I know we are in love.

Sch calling tomorrow. Peace off yall

Not so me wknd

So me, who always is fan aint having a fan wk d coz she found out that she failed organic Chem that she been studying for like crazy. Ouff it hurts. Anyhu, was down but the. Realised that the retest is in a month so of course I wi do it. God willing.
Anyhu, I've promised maself to study hard for biochemistry so I don't fail that either. Am
Just glad I got ma boo and ma new fone wit me to keep me company. Life would be hell othawise.

Stay safe yall