Too much thinking

You know that moment. No no, those minutes or hours or days that you spend thinking about the kind of person you are. The kind of friend, partner, sister, aunt or whatever.....How you act towards other people. Am that kind of person who is very good at finding faults in others (sadly). Ive been told that and i myself know that. I never speak out loud but it always comes to my mind. These past days have had my tiny brain thinking about life and what i want from it. I have especially been thinking of how I am as a person and meeeeen i kinda do not like what am capable of. I have hypocrisy tendencies and even though i love hard, i hate even harder. I got trust issues and that is why I always give the people that care about me a hard time which actually has negative repercussions coz i end up loosing them instead.
Why is it so hard to see a bright future? Why is it so hard to find the good in myself? Yeah i know we yall have those things called pros and cons but the latter seems to be in color while the pros are black and white thus barely seen.
These past weeks, ive been trying to boost myself a little bit. Skip the make up and try not to care too much about my hair. Going to dinner alone and the movies. Trying to make it through an entire day by being honest and as humble and helpful as i can be (My mom thinks am drugged coz am too nice to her). There are genuinely nice people out there, very nice friends i got. I always wonder how they do it. So damn honest and beautiful inside out. How? Can someone teach me coz I feel tired of being brutal even when i dont have to.

All these wicked thoughts started because I have started watching PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. I do not like the series that much but I always have nothing to do after work so it keeps me busy. Am not hooked but cannot stop watching it and i see myself in every bad thing each character does. It is a horrible feeling.

Anyhu. I got summer holidays but got myself a summer job and am loving it.