Story of my life

Thank God i have this blog. So, from nowhere, i decided that i wanna go as far away from Sweden as i can, thus moving to Melbourne Australia. Though for studies, only for six months. See, before coming here, i was actually worried that i wouldn't have friends. Look, I am a very social person (i think) so those worries disappeared faster than they had come up in my head.

Now that am here, things are very very different from Sweden. Work/sch is hectic as hell and it seems  like no one ever takes a breather. Good for them coz they are committed to working though that aint good for their bodies in the long run. Anyhu, I've always had friends my entire life. I have never been the alone person, nonetheless being alone sometimes gives me panic attacks. Sad story. 

Anyhu, these past days, I've made it a mission to make friends. Since the department am doing research with only has "older" people who do not seem interested in hanging out with me. First world problems, i know. So, I've been randomly talking to people on the traums. People are genuinely nice but no one is willing to give u their phone number. They give u the "i don't know you that well" look.

I have even visited the big universities here, trying to talk to random people but nope, nada. The other day, i found a facebook page of swedish in Melbourne, replied to some comments that people wanted to meet but no one showed up. Now the latter threw me off the rails. You know the feeling where u feel like u gonna burst out crying at any time, where u feel like tears are in your throat waiting to come out? That is the feeling i had tonight at the market. I cannot believe i went around there for almost 4 hrs all alone, whilst everybody is in groups enjoying. 

Anyhu story of my life indeed. The search continues. I miss my boyfriend deeply. He gets me like nobody does, i miss his hugs. I miss my dear little sister, who shows me tough love. She is such a good person, i wish i had even half of that good heart she has. She is smart, too smart for her own good sometimes. I miss my mum. My dementia mum, who keeps nagging at me and asks me 10000 times a day if i have eaten. It pisses me off. I miss my Hakim, who is also too smart for his own good.  I wish i had choosen London, that is nearer to sweden. fuck

EMOTIONS

That´s right, my emotions are allover the place atm. Grrrrr i hate blogging when am not me but i need to blog to get this off ma tiny girly chest. I feel empty, sad, longing for something. I do not know what it is coz i cant put a finger on it. I kinda envy everyone that is having fun or doing fun stuff. I feel left out/behind by the world. These past days, I have put on more make up than i always do, ive socialised way too much and that is what i do when am hurting. I hide it and over do stuff so no one notices. But today is different coz i can not concentrate, i NEED to concentrate coz i have an exam coming up. The subject is not that hard but am finding it hard, tough, impossible......
I really am struggling in sch this semester...errthang is harder for me than it is for everyone else thus giving me lots of anxiety;(. Oh what is wrong with me.

LG G4

OOOOh am very freakin excited. The new LG G4 is on its way out to the market. It looks crazy beautiful if i have to say. Pretty much all my adult life, i have always carried an iphone and to be honest, am kinda tired of it coz nothing new is happening with them so when a friend told me about the new LG, it is something i wanna try. Very slim, with a leather case and the pictures....wow its to die for. I hope it isnt thereat expensive coz i badly wanna try out the camera, its focus but most importantly the video technic and to see if it lives up to the expectations. And honestly LG is a big competitor to the more hyped samsung and Apple. The rare simplicity is to die for.
Promise to let y'all know if and when i get it.

Missing

Missed my blog but most importantly, i have missed being able to write my feelings off. Anyhu, was listening to a radio station today and a topic was brought up. The question was as follows;

What would make you stay in a relationship for a long long time?
1. love
2.good sex
3. money
4. beuatiful/gorgeous partner

My first reaction was love. Of course its love coz i wouldnt stand no human if i didnt love them somehow. As the programme went on, many people were calling in saying money and am like "waaaa crazy people, crazy in money". Now we yall have heard or said the expression money doesnt buy love, right? Well a guy called in and said love doesnt buy food, it doesnt pay bills, neither does it dress you. Hehe. Now this is where my opinion changed. Money, money, money. I love me some money. To be realistic, i think one shoukd find em a soul mate only because they love em but not for other reasons like money. BUT after i have loved you crazy broke person, i need you to step it up and show me some cash. hahahahah. But at the same time, what if someone leaves me just because am broke? well my answer is am hard working and brokeness (is that a word?) doesnt exist in my world.

Some other guy called in the station and argued that love can take you places, that love is a strong "thing" it takes you places and can in many cases generate money. So he meaning that stay to love and all will be fine.

All in all, am for love. Love first coz it is a great feeling BUT  god damn nigga step up your freaking game and spread some cash on me coz am not that life of being broke all the time. I have always worked, since i was 16 years very young so i have always had dime in ma pocket. hehehehe At the end of the day, as long as i love someone, i will stay even they are broke only if they are ambitious and show that they tying.

ova n out

CONFESSIONS

- Am getting results from an exam I did last month and gaaaaah I have a bad bad feeling. It was hard and damn I don't think I have luck on my side.
- am 20+ and it's my first time being in love. My first boyfriend ever. Yes my first everything.
- am not as smart as my family thinks.
-I hate counting odd numbers. It makes me sad. Plus I hate to have to pronounce consonants. Prefer vowels coz the English language (I think in English) has 5 and it makes everything, my life easier.
- I sometimes have unhealthy thoughts. About murder, depression, being left out in the wild alone, Drowning. Yeah those kinds of thoughts.
- I am a loner and that's my biggest problem coz I come off as being ver social. Am not
- I am capable of hurting someone very bad if that person is a rapist.
- I have a feeling, that my family doesn't love or appreciate me as much I do loooove them with all my heart.
- am very scared of being abandoned or left out.

To be continued

Family

Family, the best but theee worst. I swear if I wasn't related to some people, we would NEVER EVER be friends or have any kind of relationships whatsoever. Gaaaaah. You try and try to make them happy, to have a relationships with them but all that in vain. They only
Smile at you or even think of you when it "works for them". Son of a gun. Would rather be all alone that throw myself to people. It's sad but a fact. Thank God am learning, I really am.

One of those days

One of those days, where almost everything feels bleeeeee;(. Most of what am doing or planning aint going right. Am a space person, i need my space, i need to shut the whole world out and just do my thing. That is my hobby these days. Am irritated, sad, very sad even though am doing a good job at keeping up a front.
Ï have always said it and will for sho repeat myself. I donnot hang around people who donot value me and my family. Am sad. Can please someone teach how to be happy again?